you're a lot to lose
by sirrryesssirrr
Summary: Santana's leaving for college and Brittany's not going with her. Brittany/Santana; future!fic; femslash. There's just enough angst to sort of break your heart. But you'll be all right.


Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or people. No copyright infringement intended.

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Santana and Brittany are sitting in the backseat of Santana's car on the way to the airport. Brittany's head is on her shoulder as she traces circles with her thumb on their joined hands. She's looking outside the window, past the other cars, seeing her parents sit up front talking to each other in Spanish out of the corner of her eye.

The exit sign for the airport says '1 mile' and she tightens her grip on Brittany's hand. The blonde doesn't do anything but push herself closer to her.

Santana never thought this day would come. But it's here and she's wondering if it's possible to hold it off to a tomorrow that won't happen.

The two of them are quiet the entire time, the silence magnified only by the speeding pulse of her heart echoing in her ears.

She turns her head and places a soft kiss on blonde hair. She doesn't move her face, though. Just buries her face in Brittany's hair, trying to remember that this is part of their history she's cramming in her memory.

They get there a lot faster than Santana anticipated even though they were in the car for forty minutes. Her dad unloads her two suitcases from the trunk as her mother starts dabbing the stray tears that has started falling when her mother caught glimpse of a 747 from the distance. Even now, she can't help but roll her eyes. It's oddly comforting.

She checks herself in and she's all ready to go, she just has to say goodbye. She starts with her father because he's one of those parents that tries to be the stronger one, the one that holds it together. But when his voice shakes at the words _mi hija _before kissing her forehead, she knows that he's barely holding himself together.

She moves onto her already weeping mother who begins spewing off motherly advice and wisdom in hopes that she listens to every single one. She indulges her mother by not raising her eyebrow or rolling her eyes. She knows it's worth it when her mother smiles wide, holding Santana's face with both of her hands, telling her she's so proud.

She steps back from her parents and look at them expectantly because there's someone she needs to say goodbye to. She appreciates her parents taking the hint and walking away a couple of feet to give them some privacy.

Santana's impressed that there aren't any tears in Brittany's face. She walks over to the blonde and hugs her, kisses her cheek softly before pulling herself back a little, arms firmly around Brittany's waist.

"We're breaking up, aren't we?" Brittany says, with finality. They haven't talked about it, but it's been looming over them since school ended. They didn't think they needed to, so they kept quiet the entire time. Instead, just appreciating the days that's being counted down before one of them leaves. Of course she's the one that leaves first. That's how their relationship has always worked. But she's also the one to come back first, so that has to count for something.

They were never big on talking about what they were to each other. They just were and that's part of how well they worked together.

She sighs. "We don't have to."

"You tell yourself that."

She's never understood how people could ever think Brittany was dumb. The girl was a lot more perceptive than most people; a lot more perceptive about her thoughts and feelings than she sometimes was.

"Brittany-"

"No, it's okay. You've spared my feelings for as long as I can remember. It's my turn." Brittany offers her _that_ smile, the one that has softened her over the years, before she speaks again. "Good luck with everything in the east coast, okay? Write or email me or something."

She rolls her eyes but smiles anyway. "Nobody writes each other anymore."

"Then let's be nobody." Brittany shrugs like it's nothing. So Santana just kisses her. Then Brittany takes a deep breath before, "Just don't forget me, okay?"

"Brittany." She says it like she never will, but she knows somewhere back in the back of her mind, where all of her denial is stored, that she's going to, somehow, even if she doesn't mean it.

"Stop saying my name like that. I'll never leave." Santana considers voicing that maybe she shouldn't, but she ultimately keeps it to herself. It'd be pointless.

"Okay, I'll write you."

"Draw me pictures, too." Brittany's clearly amused so Santana humors her, because why not.

"Okay. Pictures, too."

Santana looks at her parents and her mother, ever the dutiful parent, reminds her of what's passing them all as she points at her watch. They hear her flight starting to board.

Santana blinks away those funny little things called tears before turning to face Brittany again. She wants to say something but Brittany's already pulling her into a hug.

"I loved you first, you know. First love and all that," Brittany whispers into her ear as she tightens the hug.

_I loved you most_ is on the tip of her tongue but she's so used to never saying what she really feels that she settles for empty words that's supposed to take place of the ones she means. Instead all she says is "I know."

Santana kisses her tenderly before they break apart. Brittany scrunches her face a little, narrowing her eyes and Santana knows that the other girl is trying not to cry. It's rare that Brittany holds her tears, but when she does, it breaks Santana's heart – the one people think is either cold or three sizes too small.

It's serious when Brittany holds her tears because now she's trying to be the strong one when she's always let Santana be the one to be strong for the both of them.

"You should go," Brittany starts to say, her voice is hoarse and low. "I might start crying and then you'll really miss your plane."

"Britt, I-" _love you_. She gets cut off, though. It's probably for the best.

"Will write me and draw me pictures. I know." There's a deep ache in Santana's chest as she sees how hard Brittany's trying to spare her feelings.

Brittany walks over to her parents before turning around. Then, three pairs of eyes are looking at Santana.

There's the final call for her flight. She shoulders her carryon and grips it tightly before giving her parents and Brittany, her family, a lame wave goodbye.

She thinks a part of this is really pathetic and she should be able to hold it together. But a bigger part of her thinks that this will never happen again. She knows that this will be that part of her memory that will be fuzzy on the details except for the swell of pride and tears in the eyes of her parents – the one that eventually accepted her relationship with Brittany when they realize it's not some pubescent phase and that Brittany was more than good for her.

She'll remember how strong Brittany's being because she'll commit it to memory – the determination that's in Brittany's eyes to hold it together for the two of them.

She focuses on her breathing as she hands her boarding pass. It's only when she's sitting on the window seat - the one Brittany picked for her two months ago because looking at how tiny the world can be makes achieving dreams possible, or something like that – that she tries calming the _thumpthump thumpthump thumpthump_ in her chest.

But she knows she can't, not for a really long time, maybe not ever. Not when she knows that everything she has with Brittany will now always be everything she _had._

It's a hard truth to accept, so she doesn't say it loud. She'll just say empty words in place of them.

-l-

End


End file.
